Good Friday, Bible re-writers and re-readers (and writers and readers for the first time). Your Bible edits from last week were hilarious and, in some cases, penguin themed, vampire themed, zombie themed, and cat themed. But my favorite Bible (and thus the winner, because that's how a cheerocracy works) was filled with judgment and sexiness. So congrats, Anonymous (God? Is that you?), and please do send me your pocket size Bible—my pockets are empty. New contest below!
In non-Bible news, blog type readers, I have something to share with you all: I am considering quitting the Internet. Yes, the whole thing. I just found out the average internet user is online for 68 hours a month, and I think I spend that much time online in like three days (I really, really wish that was some sort of joke or exaggeration). And, to be honest, I'm torn about how good technology is. I mean, sure, texting can make you a better writer, you can get free things to help your writing online, see a digital version of Jung's red book, and take e-books out from the e-library. And, yea, you can get the new solar powered LG e-reader, or make a DIY Kindle (or a home bookscanner!), or download Tracy Morgan's audio shenanigans. But what about all the bad things?
Oh yea, there are bad things. For example, book browsing: dead. And adults don't listen to Jim Dale's song about turning off cell phones. And Twitter is making us all functionally illiterate. And I'm really not sure how I feel about computers proving that Shakespeare had help, or the mass tweeted Gaiman audiobook. And although the Pynchon/Grand Theft Auto comparison is pretty cool, does anyone really need 886 palindromes?
Maybe if I spent a little less time on the Internet (read: unhooked the USB from my veins) I could read a book a day, or do crosswords about authors. I would have time to read literary journals (unless they're dead), listen to records to appreciate the book-to-vinyl metaphor, and really appreciate characters that like to read. Hell, I could even read this book about Jenga. And I love Jenga. And I am so, so good at it.
Then again, I am a boorish American (these colors don't run, in either the legs moving or the in the wash sense), and we are one of the lesser book buyers in the English language, so maybe I wouldn't read more if I stopped being so Internet crazed. Americans steal rare books (but return them!) and library books (but have poignantly touching stories about said theft that may or may not have made some people who blog at PMN emotional). And America is the genesis of both Michael Jackson's posthumous graphic novel which, holy crap, I want to read so bad, and the Simpsons phenomenon, which has recently spawned an unauthorized history and a Playboy spread. And eventually we'll learn how to treat Native Americans with respect (happy belated Columbus Day, by the way, and sorry about the smallpox!).
You know what else is American? Ghostbusters (also, apparently, Maureen Dowd being late to the Ghostbusters pop culture party). Even more American than that is leveraging your vaguely ghost related '80s celebrity to promote a book on seances, as Dan Aykroyd is doing for his dad. My challenge to you all: come up with a terribly apt celebrity promotion for a much beloved (or much maligned) book. And let me know: should I cut back on my Internet time? Or are the rest of you right there with me in terms of addicti—I mean, enthusiasm?