Showing posts with label hilarity ensues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hilarity ensues. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

In Case You Were Curious

Just a quick reminder that PMN is always open to guest post submissions—just e-mail me your posts for consideration!

Lately, a few of you have asked what I actually do at work all day. Here's a rough breakdown by percentage:

Attending meetings: 20%
Collating things: 20%
Photocopying things: 10%
Fixing other people's copier jams: 15%
Fixing my own copier jams: 5%
Repeatedly requesting materials: 10%
Answering computer-related questions: 10%
Printing things that don't need to be printed: 5%
Printing things that do need to be printed: 4%
Directly helping sell books: 1%

Such is the life of the English major a few years after graduation. Sure, it's all cheap beer and pretentious Proust discussions while you're taking classes, but afterward it's... well, cheap beer and pretentious Proust discussions, but you also have to make PowerPoint presentations and Excel pivot tables.

What about you, mes auteurs? What do you do to pay the bills?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

An Incomplete Education

I love web comics, mes auteurs, more than I love most people and some varieties of whisk(e)y. It should come as no surprise, then, that the intersection of books/grammar and web comics in the Venn diagram of my life is a most wond'rous and magical place.

I therefore present to you my top ten grammar pet peeves—in web comic form!

1. "Alot." "Alot" is not a word. Or, if it is, it refers to an animal that's better than you at everything.

2. Semicolons. I'm not a big fan of them; Kurt Vonnegut once labeled the semicolon a "transvestite hermaphrodite representing absolutely nothing," insisting that "all they do is show you've been to college." If you insist on using them, however, here's how to do it.

3. Mondegreens. Here's a definition; here's a visual guide to some common ones pertaining to English idiom.

4. Misuse of the word "literally." If you're guilty of this, I'll literally send you a strongly worded e-mail/figuratively explode.

5. Confusion of its/it's. Especially on the Internet.

6. Misuse of apostrophes in general. Thankfully, there is a cure: flowcharts.

7. Misspellings. Here are ten you should avoid.

8. Internet comments. This is more of a video than a comic, but it gets the point across: 99.9% of the people on the Internet are functionally illiterate, some of them hilariously so. (I've spent countless hours laughing at seething, near-incomprehensible rants on YouTube.)

9. People who think they can out-grammar me. Sometimes I lay traps for them just for fun.

10. People who smugly correct other people's grammar. It's just kind of a jerk thing to do. Me? I'd do it subtly via blog post.

Also, in case you were curious:

How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight?

Created by Oatmeal



Many thanks to Hyperbole and a Half, Dinosaur Comics, and The Oatmeal for their fantastic comics.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Abridged PMN-English Dictionary, 1st Edition

Laura is unavailable today, mes auteurs, so I've decided to provide you with my own brand of Friday frivolity.

My own personal lingo is occasionally difficult to disentangle from accepted industry jargon, so I present to you, bros and she-bros, for the very first time: The Abridged Pimp My Novel-English Dictionary, First Edition.

À mon avis: "In my opinion" (French). Qualifies statements as the author's opinion rather than fact.

Bro: 1. Friend (male); term signifying ebrotional attachment. (See also she-bro.) 2. Lexeme substituted for a phonetically similar lexeme in appropriate man-related contexts. E.g. "Broseph Stalin," "brofessional boxing," "brotal victory." Non-man-related contexts (e.g. "Jacqueline Kennedy Bronassis") are to be avoided.

Irrespectively: The opposite of "respectively"; used to correct the sense of a sentence rather than completely rewriting that sentence. E.g. "Bob and Sue are my she-bro and bro, irrespectively."

Mega: Prefix or modifier amplifying the ensuing noun or adjective in size, extent, manner, or degree. E.g. "megajerk," "mega awesome."

Meine Autoren: "My authors" (German). A term of endearment.

Mes auteurs: "My authors" (French). A term of endearment.

Ninja: Adjective. Synonymous with "awesome." E.g. "I'll have that ninja burger that comes with bacon and bleu cheese."

Readeurs: "Readers (male)" (Franglish).

Readeuses: "Readers (female)" (Franglish).

She-bro: Friend (female); a term of endearment.

If I've left out any definitions (which, by definition, I have, this being an abridged edition), please ask in the comments and I'll attempt to clarify!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Titles and Covers and Sales, Oh My (Rerun)

Again, due to meetings and required reading, we've got a rerun here at PMN today. I'll be back with new content tomorrow; try to soldier on without me for another 24 hours! — E

Episode: "Titles and Covers and Sales, Oh My"
Originally aired: Thursday, June 17th, 2010

Guest post submissions are in, mes auteurs, and now the time-consuming (yet thoroughly enjoyable) task of selecting five of them to run the week of Monday, June 28th falls to yours truly. Results will be in soon!

In yesterday's comments, the question of how titles and covers play into the sales discussion came up. Let me, for educational purposes, present the following (entirely fictional) one act play featuring sales rep #1, sales rep #2, marketing guy, and art guy.

sales rep #1, sales rep #2, marketing guy, and art guy are all gathered around the conference room table with myriad other publishing professionals.

sales rep #1: I don't know, art guy. This cover just screams romance to me, and Dudes and Bros and Explosions is a thriller.

art guy: True, but one of the main characters is a woman who tries to be "one of the bros" but then falls in love with the protagonist, yeah? We figured it was more of a romantic suspense.

sales rep #2: No, we're aiming for a male audience. We need to take the clinch off the cover and throw in some dudes. Maybe some bros.

sales rep #1: And some explosions.

sales rep #2: Definitely some explosions.

marketing guy: Also, what about the title? I mean, yeah, it's kind of intriguing, but what about the title we launched with?

sales rep #1: You mean The Huzenlaub Effect?

marketing guy: Yeah, that! I'd pick that up in a book store.

sales rep #2: We thought it sounded too academic. Plus, it turns out it's pretty similar to the Huzenlaub process, which is...

sales rep #1 (reading from BlackBerry): "...a form of parboiling designed to retain more of the nutrients in rice."

sales rep #2: Yes. That.

art guy: Okay, we stick with Dudes and Bros and Explosions. But I'm not sold on cutting the clinch. I mean, hot women on book covers sell. And the dude has one arm around her and he's holding a grenade in the other. I don't see what's not to like.

sales rep #1: You made the protagonist look like Fabio. He's described in the book as more of a Kiefer Sutherland type.

sales rep #2: With an eye patch.

sales rep #1: Yeah, an eye patch.

marketing guy: Eye patches don't sell.

sales rep #1: Eye patches totally sell. Boy Wizard with an Eye Patch sold three million copies in hardcover.

marketing guy: Boy Wizard with an Eye Patch was written by J.K. Meyer. She could have written the character with two eye patches, leprosy, and a daytime job on FOX & Friends and it still would have sold.

sales rep #2: All right, what if we foil emboss the title? Shiny things sell.

art guy: Too expensive.

sales rep #1: What if we make it a trade paper original and drop the price point to $16.99?

sales rep #2: That might work.

marketing guy: You know what? I think I like Bros and Explosions and Dudes better.

The curtain closes as everyone at the table tries to speak at the same time.


fin

Monday, October 4, 2010

Some Things I Might Know About Query Letters (Rerun)

Due to meetings and required reading, bros and she-bros, it'll be reruns here at PMN today and tomorrow. I'll be back with new content on Wednesday; in the meantime, enjoy! — E

Episode: "Some Things I Might Know About Query Letters"
Originally aired: Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

As usual: caveat.

As you may have surmised by this point, I am not an agent! I have never been an agent, I'm not sure I'd ever want to be (or am cut out to be) an agent, and so there's no reason to think I ever will be an agent. Aside from having written a few dozen query letters in my day and reading many an agent blog, I have no direct experience with actual, paper-and-ink (or electron-and...more-electron) queries.

But! I have written pitch letters, and I do work in sales, so (to some extent) I'm very familiar with many of the basic components of query-writing and -reading, so I consider myself qualified to at least talk about the basics, which (as you may also have surmised) I now will.

Less is more. I'm led to believe that agents don't have a ton of free time. Your query, like a pitch letter or title presentation in a sales call, has to be short and sweet. Yes, there's more small talk and relationship-building between a sales rep and a buyer than between a potential client and an agent, but a good salesperson knows when to be social and when to be businesslike. I'm not saying not to have a little fun with your query; what I'm saying is, cut to the chase. Keep it under a page.

Be professional. This sort of ties into the above point, and it also kind of goes without saying, but it bears repeating. Besides being as brief as possible, you want to be polite and professional. Do not call your novel a "fiction novel," do not talk about how it's sure to be an instant bestseller, do not talk about your multiple academic degrees or your sunny disposition or your cat. Talk about your book, and if it's a non-fiction proposal, talk about yourself insofar as it pertains to the project you're pitching. That's it!

Personalize, personalize, personalize. Guess how many non-personalized pitch letters to editors, publicists, and other industry professionals go into the so-called circular file? Around 95 to 100 percent. It's the same deal with agents: don't be creepy and tell them how much you like the floral wallpaper in their living room and by the way could they please turn the TV toward the window so you can watch reruns of Get Smart with them, but at least do them the courtesy of addressing them by name (no "Dear Sir or Madam"s or "To Whom it May Concern"s) and demonstrating that you know something about them and their agency. Mention some titles they've represented that you liked! Tell them you thought their post on query letters was really helpful! Don't get carried away, but if you expect an agent to take the time to read your query (and hopefully, your partial and full), take the time to personalize your query.

Follow directions. Yes, it can be frustrating when one agent asks for a 300-word double-spaced query and another asks for a 500-word single-spaced query. Occasionally you will find that different agents want totally different—perhaps contradictory—things. But if you believe that agent is right for you, take the time to tailor your letter to their guidelines, which (one must assume) they have established for a reason. If they ask you to include the first ten pages, include the first ten pages, and don't send a writing sample (no matter how sorely tempted you may be to do so) if they specifically ask that you don't. You want to put your best foot forward from the get-go, and following an agent's guidelines is a very big and generally necessary component of achieving that.

Do your research. This ties into the above point, but in a more general sense. If an agent doesn't usually represent science fiction, your grand space opera spanning 10,000 years and a half-dozen galaxies probably won't interest him or her, and you'll likely waste both your and the agent's time by querying. If it's not clear from an agent's guidelines or title list whether they represent your genre, by all means, go ahead and query anyway; however, 90% of the time, you should be able to figure out whether an agent will be interested in your type of project based on his/her (agency's) website. You're not looking for just any agent, after all—you're looking for a business partner, one who's genuinely interested in your work and willing to champion it to an editor. In short, you're looking for a good match.

Know how to sell your product. Sure, you know your product; after all, you wrote your book, so you know it better than anyone. Your knowledge of your book isn't being tested, though, but rather, your knowledge of how to present it. If I'm writing a pitch letter, it's not enough that I know everything about the title I'm trying to push—I have to know the best way to position it and anticipate what will catch the reader's eye and hold his or her attention. You need to know that about your product—your book—as well. Where's your hook? What sets your paranormal romance apart from all the other paranormal romances currently on the market? Don't start crunching BookScan numbers or hypothesizing about your target audience, but grab and hold the agent's attention with a great opening line and a well-paced, concise description that leaves him or her wanting to know more by the letter's end.

That's all I've got for you, gentle readers, and I hope it's not a total rehash of all the query advice you've gotten before. As always, if you have any questions or comments—or even rebuttals, calls of shenanigans, or plain old-fashioned vitriol—fire away!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Movie Day Round Up

Friday round-up time, with a little help from Laura from Combreviations:

Morning, friends and foes. This was the week of Franzen-Oprah speculation. But why is everyone going so bananas? Sure, Franzen's great, but he's no rock star, like Jimmy Page, with his massively expensive biography. Or Jimi Hendrix, with his sci-fi collection. Hell, he's not even giving away government secrets, making the Pentagon buy and destroy every copy of his memoir. At least his publisher didn't accidentally break his embargo themselves, like poor Jimmy Carter, and he still has time to win a lifetime achievement award, à la Tom Wolfe. And maybe one day he'll make the hipster Christian reading list, even if his books aren't written by a real live (dead?) ghost.

Although there have been some downer things this week, like Stephen Fry on bookstores and Phillip Pullman on the present tense, I think we can safely skip it. After all, it's Friday, and so I think we should combat the blues with a sweet series of videos.

Have you seen the '90s Finnish adaptation of Lord of the Rings?



What about the book trailer for Night of the Living Trekkies?



And has anyone told you you're special today? With muppets?



To quote Kermit the Frog, "Yaaaaaaay!" See you all next week, right here.

Monday, August 23, 2010

101 Form Rejection Projects for a Rainy Day

I hope you enjoyed last week's guest posts, readeurs and readeuses, and that a little more of the publishing world (particularly the non-sales aspects) has/have been illuminated for you as a result.

It's Monday, which means I'm going to ease into the blogging week with a frabjous discussion of the myriad uses for form rejections.

I like to pin up my tiered or personalized rejections above my desk, but the form ones, being both a) more copious and b) neither near or dear to my coal-black heart, require something more involved/vindictive. Therefore—in patented (call the U.S. Patent Office if you don't believe me) Bullet-o-Vision™—the first 10 of my 101 Form Rejection Projects for a Rainy Day:

· Cathartic papier-mâché. Make a tiny replica of you sitting on a stack of your bestsellers! Make a tiny replica of you winning the Pulitzer! Do not make a tiny replica of you strangling all the agents who rejected you. Bad karma.

· A crackly quilt for super hot nights. Staple (or sew, if you're sufficiently crafty) your form rejections together to make a blanket. Note: crying yourself to sleep on said blanket may cause the ink to run and is not recommended. Additional note: crying over form rejections in general is not recommended.

· Fancy coasters. Glue your rejections to pieces of cork and drink (something alcoholic) off your rejecters! (Rejectors?) If you're fancy: Laphroaig. If not: Jack Daniels.

· Origami. Try and make a thousand paper agents! (See #1, above, regarding treatment of said paper agents.)

· Use the backs to write The Great American Novel. Be green and emulate Thomas Wolfe at the same time!

· Agency trading cards. Collect them all! Trade them with your friends!

· A flipbook. Remember: no violence! Images of you winning multiple Nobel Prizes for Literature or receiving a $1,000,000.00 advance are permissible (and, in fact, encouraged).

· Make a fire. Preferably in your fireplace. Not as imaginative, but definitely cathartic.

· Pretend traffic tickets. Put them under the windshield wipers of cars parked on your block. Hide in the bushes and observe people's reactions.

· Confetti. Throw yourself a party! You're one rejection closer to representation.

Add yours in the comments!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

In Which I Pause to Gauge Interest

A busy day, reader-types, so I thought I'd take a quick time-out to ask: how's the review going so far? Is there anything I haven't yet touched on that would interest you, or anything I've already mentioned that you could use more info on?

While you think of a thought-provoking and insightful comment or question, feel free to watch this endlessly entertaining (and utterly unrelated) piece of 2010 FIFA World Cup memorabilia:

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Summer Reading

As our mutual friend the inimitable Rejectionist has said, New York in the summer gives off a distinct and truly heinous "boiled poop" smell that will sicken and infuriate you (assuming the general sound and the fury of the city haven't already done so).

You'd think that if you're out early—say, Fifth Avenue, 5 am—you'd avoid it, but that's not the case. (It was approximately Fahrenheit 451 here before 9:00 in the morning.) You can try and hang out in the passages between subway stations, but the breeze is hot and putrid and there are a lot of homeless people.

I'm not sure what causes the 100+ degree heat and 80%+ humidity—honestly, it feels like you're trapped under some kind of dome—but it's exceptionally unpleasant. As I lay dying in my un-air conditioned and decidedly un-imperial bedroom this morning, not wanting to return to work after a week-long vacation, I considered running off to the lake again, or at the very least, taking the day off and going to the Bronx Zoo to hang out in that delightful inner-city animal farm, or maybe watch them inseminating the elephant.

Okay, that last one was weird, and I'm out of books/puns/ideas. Post yours in the comments!

Monday, July 5, 2010

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Real publishing-related news tomorrow. Today, a recap of my past week. I:

• Ate so much pie I thought I would have a heart attack—and not, as you might imagine, as a result of the sugar and butter endemic to said pie, but because I ate so much my stomach was physically pushing on my heart.

• Got a state boating permit and learned how to operate a jet ski. Fun fact: hanging on for dear life is substantially more exhausting than you might at first expect.

• Saw Toy Story 3. It was really good. You should go see it, regardless of whether you have any kids to take with you.

• Ate a lot of barbecue. Animals are delicious.

• Read. A lot. And not for work.

• Went kayaking. Fun in its own way, but somehow less intense after the jet ski experience.

• Did not get sunburned, which I think is a life record.

• Blew things up. Hooray, America!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Titles and Covers and Sales, Oh My

Guest post submissions are in, mes auteurs, and now the time-consuming (yet thoroughly enjoyable) task of selecting five of them to run the week of Monday, June 28th falls to yours truly. Results will be in soon!

In yesterday's comments, the question of how titles and covers play into the sales discussion came up. Let me, for educational purposes, present the following (entirely fictional) one act play featuring sales rep #1, sales rep #2, marketing guy, and art guy.

sales rep #1, sales rep #2, marketing guy, and art guy are all gathered around the conference room table with myriad other publishing professionals.

sales rep #1: I don't know, art guy. This cover just screams romance to me, and Dudes and Bros and Explosions is a thriller.

art guy: True, but one of the main characters is a woman who tries to be "one of the bros" but then falls in love with the protagonist, yeah? We figured it was more of a romantic suspense.

sales rep #2: No, we're aiming for a male audience. We need to take the clinch off the cover and throw in some dudes. Maybe some bros.

sales rep #1: And some explosions.

sales rep #2: Definitely some explosions.

marketing guy: Also, what about the title? I mean, yeah, it's kind of intriguing, but what about the title we launched with?

sales rep #1: You mean The Huzenlaub Effect?

marketing guy: Yeah, that! I'd pick that up in a book store.

sales rep #2: We thought it sounded too academic. Plus, it turns out it's pretty similar to the Huzenlaub process, which is...

sales rep #1 (reading from BlackBerry): "...a form of parboiling designed to retain more of the nutrients in rice."

sales rep #2: Yes. That.

art guy: Okay, we stick with Dudes and Bros and Explosions. But I'm not sold on cutting the clinch. I mean, hot women on book covers sell. And the dude has one arm around her and he's holding a grenade in the other. I don't see what's not to like.

sales rep #1: You made the protagonist look like Fabio. He's described in the book as more of a Kiefer Sutherland type.

sales rep #2: With an eye patch.

sales rep #1: Yeah, an eye patch.

marketing guy: Eye patches don't sell.

sales rep #1: Eye patches totally sell. Boy Wizard with an Eye Patch sold three million copies in hardcover.

marketing guy: Boy Wizard with an Eye Patch was written by J.K. Meyer. She could have written the character with two eye patches, leprosy, and a daytime job on FOX & Friends and it still would have sold.

sales rep #2: All right, what if we foil emboss the title? Shiny things sell.

art guy: Too expensive.

sales rep #1: What if we make it a trade paper original and drop the price point to $16.99?

sales rep #2: That might work.

marketing guy: You know what? I think I like Bros and Explosions and Dudes better.

The curtain closes as everyone at the table tries to speak at the same time.


fin

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Empire Expands

A few months ago, I mentioned the possibility of expanding PMN to Facebook and Twitter. Well, meine Freunde, that day has come! You are now free to follow me on Twitter, friend me on Facebook, and whatever else it is we kids are supposed to be doing on the Internet these days.

The blog will still be updating five days a week, and while some of that content will be duplicated on Twitter and Facebook, there will also be a fair amount of unique content on both (particularly Twitter, where I will probably rant in a much less coherent fashion than is the norm here). Not everything on the blog will be on Twitter/Facebook, and vice versa. There's also a distinct possibility that Twitter or FB content will appear on weekends, though I can guarantee that weekend posts won't be showing up on PMN proper (unless I get an intern or a butler or something).

Without further ado: the link to my Twitter account is here, and the Facebook page is here. Both are very much works in progress, so expect them to be streamlined and aesthetically improved with various widgets, &c over the coming days and weeks. Of course, all recommendations and advice are welcome in the comments.

To the Blogotwitterbookosphere!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Some Things I Might Know About Query Letters

As usual: caveat.

As you may have surmised by this point, I am not an agent! I have never been an agent, I'm not sure I'd ever want to be (or am cut out to be) an agent, and so there's no reason to think I ever will be an agent. Aside from having written a few dozen query letters in my day and reading many an agent blog, I have no direct experience with actual, paper-and-ink (or electron-and...more-electron) queries.

But! I have written pitch letters, and I do work in sales, so (to some extent) I'm very familiar with many of the basic components of query-writing and -reading, so I consider myself qualified to at least talk about the basics, which (as you may also have surmised) I now will.

Less is more. I'm led to believe that agents don't have a ton of free time. Your query, like a pitch letter or title presentation in a sales call, has to be short and sweet. Yes, there's more small talk and relationship-building between a sales rep and a buyer than between a potential client and an agent, but a good salesperson knows when to be social and when to be businesslike. I'm not saying not to have a little fun with your query; what I'm saying is, cut to the chase. Keep it under a page.

Be professional. This sort of ties into the above point, and it also kind of goes without saying, but it bears repeating. Besides being as brief as possible, you want to be polite and professional. Do not call your novel a "fiction novel," do not talk about how it's sure to be an instant bestseller, do not talk about your multiple academic degrees or your sunny disposition or your cat. Talk about your book, and if it's a non-fiction proposal, talk about yourself insofar as it pertains to the project you're pitching. That's it!

Personalize, personalize, personalize. Guess how many non-personalized pitch letters to editors, publicists, and other industry professionals go into the so-called circular file? Around 95 to 100 percent. It's the same deal with agents: don't be creepy and tell them how much you like the floral wallpaper in their living room and by the way could they please turn the TV toward the window so you can watch reruns of Get Smart with them, but at least do them the courtesy of addressing them by name (no "Dear Sir or Madam"s or "To Whom it May Concern"s) and demonstrating that you know something about them and their agency. Mention some titles they've represented that you liked! Tell them you thought their post on query letters was really helpful! Don't get carried away, but if you expect an agent to take the time to read your query (and hopefully, your partial and full), take the time to personalize your query.

Follow directions. Yes, it can be frustrating when one agent asks for a 300-word double-spaced query and another asks for a 500-word single-spaced query. Occasionally you will find that different agents want totally different—perhaps contradictory—things. But if you believe that agent is right for you, take the time to tailor your letter to their guidelines, which (one must assume) they have established for a reason. If they ask you to include the first ten pages, include the first ten pages, and don't send a writing sample (no matter how sorely tempted you may be to do so) if they specifically ask that you don't. You want to put your best foot forward from the get-go, and following an agent's guidelines is a very big and generally necessary component of achieving that.

Do your research. This ties into the above point, but in a more general sense. If an agent doesn't usually represent science fiction, your grand space opera spanning 10,000 years and a half-dozen galaxies probably won't interest him or her, and you'll likely waste both your and the agent's time by querying. If it's not clear from an agent's guidelines or title list whether they represent your genre, by all means, go ahead and query anyway; however, 90% of the time, you should be able to figure out whether an agent will be interested in your type of project based on his/her (agency's) website. You're not looking for just any agent, after all—you're looking for a business partner, one who's genuinely interested in your work and willing to champion it to an editor. In short, you're looking for a good match.

Know how to sell your product. Sure, you know your product; after all, you wrote your book, so you know it better than anyone. Your knowledge of your book isn't being tested, though, but rather, your knowledge of how to present it. If I'm writing a pitch letter, it's not enough that I know everything about the title I'm trying to push—I have to know the best way to position it and anticipate what will catch the reader's eye and hold his or her attention. You need to know that about your product—your book—as well. Where's your hook? What sets your paranormal romance apart from all the other paranormal romances currently on the market? Don't start crunching BookScan numbers or hypothesizing about your target audience, but grab and hold the agent's attention with a great opening line and a well-paced, concise description that leaves him or her wanting to know more by the letter's end.

That's all I've got for you, gentle readers, and I hope it's not a total rehash of all the query advice you've gotten before. As always, if you have any questions or comments—or even rebuttals, calls of shenanigans, or plain old-fashioned vitriol—fire away!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Magic of Author Photos

I'm feeling somewhat fanciful today, reader-types, so I invite you to tell me: what would/do you want your author photo to look like? What author photos have inspired/terrified you? What cool stories do you have regarding author photos?

I don't have much (which is why I ask), but I can offer this: I once saw an author photo of Danielle Steel that looked like it had been taken in the back of a mini-van.

True story.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Don't Try This at Home

Inspired by Le R's recent post (see "working-class men, alcoholic" and "working-class men, familial and interpersonal problems of") and the fact that her acerbic, high fullutent wit will be missed this week, I've decided to compile a small (highly subjective) list of themes, topics, and trends I think you'd do well to avoid.

Allegories,
          thinly veiled

Daughters,
          supernaturally inclined
          titles including the word
          troubled relationships with

How-to Guides,
          comedic*
          financial*

Mash-ups,
          "funny"
          presidential
          Victorian
          zombie

Nazis,
          alternate histories of
          modern
          romantic relationships with

Self Help,
          any variety of*

Sisters,
          see Daughters

Vampires,
          angel-related
          angsty/misunderstood
          demon-related
          ridiculous pompadours of
          super hot
          teenage

Wives,
          long-suffering
          see Daughters

Working-class men,
          alcoholic
          familial and interpersonal problems of
          mid-life crises of
          road trips of



*Ignore if you are a D-list celebrity or have survived some unspeakably terrible life event.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady Sings

Well, it's been nice, writers and writeresses, but I'm afraid I've run out of things to say here at PMN. I'll of course leave the blog up as a shrine to the indispensable knowledge I've... well, dispensed to you over the past several months, and I thank you (as always) for reading. Adieu, and may our paths cross again someday!


















April Fool's!

Man, I hope at least one person fell for that.

In reality, mes amis, today is a wonderful (or at least not terrible) day in the land of brick-and-mortar book sales. Borders has repaid its loan to Pershing Square, increased its net profits, and financed a brand-new line of credit, giving the tried-and-true number two a new lease on life. It's not all sunshine and lollipops—Borders' Q4 sales are still down and they'll need more than loans and credit to continue fighting their uphill battle against the Kindle and the Nook—but I think it's now safe to say they'll be around for awhile longer. (Hopefully this isn't some sick April Fool's Day joke, like the one I just played.)

This whole business concerning Borders' financial health, however, has me wondering yet again about the long-term success of the company. I suppose what I'm asking is: what does the typical Borders shopper look like? Do most people who prefer Borders to Barnes & Noble take part in the Borders Rewards program? Does Borders' aggressive e-couponing system work? &c, &c.

Prithee, inform me, Borders acolytes (or sworn enemies!): what is it about the company that keeps you coming back (/makes you catch on fire whenever you get within a fifty-foot radius)?

Friday, March 5, 2010

How-To Round-Up

For your edification, Laura is here from Combreviations to round up the week:

Hello, reader types, and welcome to the week. Given Eric's post yesterday about the things you need to do to be a writer, I thought I would run you through my writerly process for putting together posts. It is very complicated. But first, stand up—sitting all day is bad for your health. Step one is collect links, and step two is to split them into categories, because otherwise it gets boring to keep scrolling around. This week the categories were "adorable lit," "the joys and pains of reading," and "history is effed."

Step three is to find some almost natural but pretty awkward way to string it all together. And you know what's almost natural? Collections of mini books! They are adorable. If you like to make choices instead of being told what's adorable, you can pick between these UK and US covers. Also attractive are these hand models, who show us everything from the Kindle to the Twilight apple.

Yes, there are adorable joys, but there are also book pains (did you see that segue there? This is why topic headings are important to my craft. Such a serious craft). Some find joy in unconcluded series. I am not one of those people. Some might be conflicted about lying, while others might find joy or pain (or both) in taking Tina Brown's book suggestions. And seriously—dead and dying protagonists? Can be so good and so bad.

To deal with these conflicting emotions, we need to look to history. And seriously: history is effed. Apparently Nietzsche wasn't just a philosopher who may have died of syphillis—he was also a composer. He may have lied to himself about his talent, but at least he didn't lie about the happenings of Hiroshima, which is, in a word, awkward. And if you thought you knew Eva Braun? You should think again (dum dum duummm). Also, Hilary Mantel thinks 14 year old girls are fit parents, and archaeologists think that vampires might be real.

Please, hold your applause at the brilliance of my methodology (and you can sit down now, if you haven't already). And remember to take web-reading-while-standing breaks today!

Monday, February 22, 2010

11,000 Rejections on the Wall, 11,000 Rejections

We've talked about the long odds in this industry from time to time, bros and she-bros, and so I thought I'd use this Monday morning to 1.) give you a realistic idea of how difficult it is to get your work published, and 2.) relate an inspirational, true story of one man, his 100+ published short stories, and his, uh... 11,100 rejections.

Meet Jacob M. Appel. Dude is a doctor lawyer astronaut bounty hunter spy with seven degrees—an AB, two AMs, an MPhil, an MFA, an MD, and a JD, from places like Brown, Columbia, NYU, and Harvard. How he somehow fit thirty years of elite schooling into his life by the age of 37 is a mystery to me. (Incidentally, yesterday was his birthday. Happy birthday, Jacob!)

Sidebar: I actually don't know Jacob in real life, so I suppose my wishing him a happy birthday is somewhat creepy. Hopefully he won't be freaked out when I friend him on Facebook.

The point of this story, though: Jacob has published short stories in some of the most prestigious literary journals and magazines in the country, but he also garnered over eleven thousand rejections in the process. How many have you acquired, gentle reader? One? Ten? A hundred? If so, keep at it, because until you top Jacob's high score, I don't want to hear about you quitting the writing racket. When you're a fancy published author one, two, five, or fifteen years down the line, you can use collages of your rejection slips as the endpapers of your book, or at the very least give it a delightfully snarky title. No self-publishing, though; we all know how I feel about that.

If you've got any uplifting stories of literary success despite myriad rejections, feel free to share them in the comments!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Superbowl Pre-Game Round-Up

To my consternation, Ms. Ombreviations has snagged the 150th PMN post from me. Alack! From Combreviations, we have Laura to round up the week:

Hello hello, reader types, and welcome to Friday round-up. Things I should talk about include Macmillan and Amazon, but I'm really kind of bored of the discussion, and have said what I have to say about it (as has Eric, as have you), so I think we can safely skip.

While we've discussed Salinger some, I think we can do it some more, as interesting things are still coming out. I already highlighted the pitfalls of responding to Salinger's fan mail, but there was a reason the man was so popular. While young narrators often sound phony, a lot of teens still find something to love in Salinger's work. I bet if we re-did this list of books most read by college students a month from now, it would include some Salinger works. So let us all sing these Salinger songs, and hope that the books he may have written don't get shredded.

You know what we might have to shred? The Bible. Because apparently, the Bible is way raunchier than we were led to believe. The book about John Edwards, however, is just as raunchy as we were led to believe. And, speaking of politicians doing questionable things, Sarah Palin apparently spent $63k of donations on her own book. But don't worry, she's not a politician anymore, so it's not illegal. Maybe we should keep her off this list of writing ladies and their processes, some of whom were hypochondriac writers. It's too bad they didn't have distraction-free, ambient noise writing before now.

While we're on politics, I should mention this article about Terry Pratchett's stance on euthanasia, and this new book about the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. There's also the coal company co-opting the Lorax, and this list of great literary stepmothers—they're not all bad, you know. Don't be a hater.

See you all next week, and don't eat too much Superbowl junk food (unless you are inviting me over, of course).

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Good Idea/Bad Idea

If you ever watched the '90s cartoon show Animaniacs, you probably saw a segment in the program called "Good Idea/Bad Idea." If you've never seen Animaniacs, here's a two-minute compilation of some of the Good Idea/Bad Idea sketches (courtesy of Youtube). Hilarious!

Now then: in the publishing world, there are very often scenarios in which what would otherwise be a great idea is actually a terrible idea due to one or two crucial detail(s). As part of your (and, frankly, my) continued education in this industry, I present to you the following examples:

Good Idea: Venting to your friend, spouse, significant other, &c about a negative review of your book.
Bad Idea: Venting to Twitter, Facebook, the Internet at large, &c about a negative review of your book.

Good Idea: Following an agent's guidelines when submitting your novel.
Bad Idea: Following an agent to his or her office/car/home to submit your novel.

Good Idea: Reading industry blogs to improve your writing and querying.
Bad Idea: Reading industry blogs instead of writing or querying.

Good Idea: Selling yourself in order to promote your novel.
Bad Idea: Literally selling yourself in order to promote your novel.

Good Idea: Setting aside a specified block of time to write each day.
Bad Idea: Setting aside your family, friends, and day job to write each day. (May lead to the above scenario.)

Feel free to create your own good idea/bad idea in the comments!